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Archive for the ‘Personal Journey’ Category

Moody Clues…

Well here I am again…sitting on the edge of the blog cliff. Exactly one month since my last post…By the delay in time since the last entry it is obvious I have been stalling…And the longer I stall the more difficult it is to get back into it. But no time like the present to take a deep breath and jump…

It has been raining lately. We REALLY need it. However as much as it is necessary, it puts me in kind of a funk. I am in awe that I am affected by the weather so easily. Affected by many things, This is one aspect of what it means to be moody…allowing external factors to have control over my state of being.

What is really going on here? I believe that changes in the environment: weather, other people’s behavior, traffic…whatever, ultimately just stir up the pot of unintegrated feelings that still reside inside. I realized as I was doing my first session of work with my current “Self-Love coach,” Anat Peri, that moods come from repressed, unexpressed feelings. In my childhood I was very moody. I realize now it is because I had a difficult time expressing my true feelings in my family environment.

There were feelings that a 7-year old needs to express, but doesn’t have the skills to do so; at least in my case. When these feelings aren’t expressed they get bottled up and eventually leak out. This to me is a basic definition of a mood: leaky unintegrated feelings. As I grew older my moods became a passive-aggressive tool. In my family dynamic, the expression of feelings was not promoted. It was more important to keep an air of equilibrium to the environment. But even as a teenager, there was still the feelings inside of an unresolved 7-year old. As those feelings came out in moods, they annoyed my parents. In the childish manner of a 7-year old I used those moods to “get back” at them unwittingly; for not being able to express my feelings and on some level feeling they were at fault for it. It was my attempt to clear the air in the only way I knew…dysfunctionally.

Interestingly, as I grow older (and hopefully a little more mature) I recognize that moods are still there, the unresolved 7-year-old still lives inside, waiting to be validated. I also have come to understand that it is not my parent’s fault; this validation must come from myself. It is so interesting. I am doing 2 programs at the same time and they are both bringing me to the same realizations. First, I am leading a group through The Presence Process, by Michael Brown. This week in that process is the conscious response to internalize, “I am innocent.” The whole chapter is on nurturing the inner child, which represents joy, creativity. The other program is a 100-day formal Self-Love affair. The first session got into my unresolved relationship with my parents as a block to loving myself. The conclusion of both: In many ways I am still 7 years old, and until those 7-year old issues that have never been dealt with are addressed, I will continue to experience that unresolved energy in my life, resulting in moods and a less loving attitude towards myself, and reflecting those attitudes on those around me.

The solution from both programs lies in my hands: I have to nurture that inner child into a new level of safety and expression, and I have to forgive my parents as that 7-year old, so I can relate to them as an adult. Plain and simple…and not easy.  But why not? I am the one who makes it difficult. Well…it’s the 7-year old.  But it is time to treat him like an emotional 7-year-old, pick him up, hold him until his emotions have been fully expressed, then let him go run off to play with a new reset attitude. And so it is…

My Self-Love Affair

Presence Process Report. Today begins week 2 with the conscious response, “I recognize my reflections and projections.” The morning breathing session was almost immediately filled with energy. The kind of energy that I feel when I am really excited about something. I realized that I have put a governor on that energy in a big way, and today I just let it come out. As it came out it also feels like anxiety, which I realize is the face of this energy when I don’t allow it to be expressed or when I judge the expression as not appropriate or for whatever reason hold it back…NO MORE!

Today a begin a love affair with myself. I realize that for far too long I have tried to love everything, even to the point of grasping for people or experiences, while completely neglecting the one that needs my love the most: myself. Sounds so narcissistic, which is probably why I have denied myself for so long; it is too ego-centered to love myself and therefor not appropriate. Now as I declare this love affair with myself, I can’t help but wonder what that looks like? Feeding myself ice cream every night to the point of belly ache. Obviously not, however on a more subtle level it is not so obvious. Giving myself what I want or need is part of it, but the other is really taking care of myself.

As I dwell on recognizing my reflections and projections, I realize that the greatest reflection of all is the totality of the external world being a reflection of my inner world. Anything I see outside of me that is not in harmonious alignment is simply a reflection of something in my inner realm that is not in harmonious alignment. To love myself by loving these discordant parts of me is to bring the world back into balance. I can save the world by saving myself. I can nurture the world by nurturing myself. I can truly give love to the world when I give love to myself.

The Power of The Presence Process

Week 1, Day1 of The Presence Process, “This Moment Matters”…

And indeed it does! This is a powerful process, but I did not expect it would kick in from the very start! What I have to say I realize just from keeping that Conscious Response at the forefront of my consciousness (This Moment Matters), it actually helps make the moment matter more!

How does it do that? For me, it seems to draw my attention to the practice of looking for what matters in the moment. I realize that I have allowed myself to often be the victim of my own passion-less consciousness, where I “know” everything matters, so in this “knowledge” ultimately nothing matters; at least that is how I end up expressing it.

I noticed myself looking at my situations today from a positive lens, rather than a pessimistic one. Same story—glass is filled the same, but is it half empty or half full? This moment matters makes it appear half full, and I don’t even dwell on the half…it is just full!

My journal report after my first breath session was pretty basic. A little light-headed, tingly, restless especially in the right foot. No real sense of emotions expect that I felt a sense of like I was in the beginning stages of working up to crying…but no definitive emotional expression.

What is The Presence Process?

For those of you who may not yet be aware of The Presence Process (TPP), it is a phenomenal approach to integrating your being on all levels…physical, emotional, mental…even spiritual. The “goal” if there is one is Present Moment Awareness. Which ultimately is where the magic of life happens, we just happen to be projected into the future or the past most of the time while it is happening so we miss it. TPP brings awareness of the energies that have been keeping us out of the Present Moment, and goes even further in that it offers a way to integrate those energies.

TPP is disseminated in a book of the same name, authored by Michael Brown. In addition to embarking on this journey myself for the 5th time, I am leading a 12-week tele-series conducting a group of journeyers through TPP for the 2nd time. Yesterday was the 2nd call, and today is the first official day on the journey. We just got started, so if you are at all interested in joining the fun and transformation, communicate with me ASAP at Christian@breathflow.com and I will give you details on how you can register. And remember, this moment matters!

Personal Empowerment

Nothing like taking the initiative to delete the game app “Candy Crush” off my smart phone. A definite feeling of empowerment as I hit the uninstall button and watched the powerful time-suck evaporate from my life!

Express Yo’ Self!

All around the globe (meaning my sphere of interactions), I have been getting the signals, hints and direct advice: express yourself more! 

I KNOW already. And yet there is a part of me that just wants to be invisible. I can be very happy keeping to myself. Afterall, we trained to be “non-entities” in my monastic training. Or can I be happy? Too much isolation starts to make a person funny in the head. Or enlightened. Or both. I am recognizing more and more my need for authentic connection with others. Connection that requires…sharing myself.

I recognize that I felt there was a value to my NOT sharing myself in the past. I remained enigmatic, a mystery. This mystery gave me an advantage…it could throw the other person off balance. But now I realize what it really did was give me a handicap…after a while the other person would get frustrated, bored, or just not have enough information to care…and so they would stop caring. Sharing = Caring. I just came up with that. I am proud of myself.

I have already made a commitment to sharing myself more, and the first understanding that comes from this is just how much resistance I have. Ha. I just caught that same thought from my last post, so I guess it’s not NEW news, just depressing news.

So now, what if I allow myself the space for being depressed about this? To be depressed about the quantity of my resistance to change (for the better, I might add!). What message does this feeling have for me?

It creates enough discomfort that I finally have to move because I can’t take it anymore. In the monastic ashram we would muse “pain is the prod to remembrance (of God)” which is just the “spiritual” way to say “when your ass has been kicked hard enough and long enough, you basically have no other choice but to surrender to your Source.”

The “rub” is that it is all self-created. The depressed-ness that I feel is my self-chosen response to my self-chosen resistance, creating the pain prod me to make me finally break through the resistance to attain my self-chosen desire to express myself more.

Now I am getting heady. But it takes me out of my painful feelings. Escape or Remedy?

I finally realize there is a good “reason” to have stuffed my feelings all these years…because they are painful and unwieldy when they are let loose!

I had my Human Design reading done. It revealed that I am a being that operates from his emotions primarily. That was a real surprise to me, actually. So what does it look like when a person operates from their emotions, but gets no real training in recognizing or beneficially expressing them? When one tries to substitute his brain for his heart with a big override switch, and THINKS that this is his primary mode of expression?

It looks like moodiness; all sorts of incongruent emotions coming out at times that do not match the feelings. For myself as the experiencer, it felt confusing and depressing primarily and those moods would come out when emotion naturally wanted to express, but did not have the recognition from me as the expresser.

Moodiness leads to people requesting to you not to express yourself so much (read: stop bing so moody, you are brining us all down!) which then creates more suppression…that creates more moods….

Which leads me back to the subject of expressing myself more. What I define as learning to get out of my moodiness is the process of learning how to identify and express all the suppressed feeling inside me. This expression is not always pretty and that makes me self-conscious…The mind telling me that my feelings are not valid enough to have their expression.  And that manifests in many ways: procrastination, avoiding forums where expression is expected, criticizing others who express themselves “too much,” …

It is amazing how difficult it is to try to post this…So many rationalizations for it to NOT go public: not interesting enough, too revealing, not revealing enough, (ha! Conflicting rationales), not organized enough, too much rambling, needs to be edited or looked at before it goes live…

However, this is my “making good” on the commitment to the desire to express myself more. So I have created no other choice for myself but to share…

The Next Step

I don’t know how to begin this.

It has been feeling like it has been too long. since my last post. I am already feeling the resistance and avoidance to put myself out there again. In ANY form, positive, negative, secure, insecure…Already the imagined expectation is taking over…what could top the feeling I wrote about the other day? What COULDN’T top it; it wasn’t very pleasant.

I received so much positive feedback about the last post, it makes no sense that I would feel just as apprehensive about posting another entry into my feelings.  And yet those feelings are there…afraid…of what others will think. Ah, here’s a good one—afraid that my credibility as a healer/coach/counselor will be compromised by the exposure of my vulnerability. Wow, just writing that opened something up inside me. Lets see what posting it will do! Fear again.

Divert it with another train of thought.

I am on my way to San Antonio, Texas via Houston. I will visit my cousin and then co-lead a Transformational Breath seminar. I gave my ticket to the boarding agent before walking down the causeway to enter the plane. He looked at it and said, “Thank you, Robert.” It reminded me of her. How she used to thank by name the service people behind any particular counter or register. I was always impressed by the attention to detail, the humility to give thanks, and the light-bearing effect adding a personal connection added to the interaction.

It is amazing what a breakup will put you though. Even when it is amicable, “conscious,” and mutually agreed-upon. The mind loves to think of the situation as a “problem” and then search for the “cause” of the problem. And it loves to dwell most on the idea that deep down at the bottom of it all, I am the cause of the problem.

“What wasn’t good enough about me? What are you really worth, Robert? What if I was just a little more motivated? What if I was just a little more…? How could I have expressed myself better?”

Then to distract from the pain, it loves to turn to some righteous indignation in order to put some “justified distance” between her and me.

“She didn’t meet your true needs, Robert (you know, all those she was supposed to intuitively KNOW because you didn’t tell her!). She wasn’t attentive enough to what you really wanted. She tried to change you. She couldn’t be happy with who I really am.”

…and the truth lies somewhere in between. I would say that choosing to conduct myself consciously, and using that as the guide of my actions would reveal the truth.

Wow, massive apprehensive warning signals going off inside me after writing that. I just made a declaration. I am stating publicly that I am choosing to conduct myself consciously. Now I have a responsibility to my word. Now I have set a standard that I have to live by. A standard that others can call me out on when they see me shrinking from my intentional volition. That’s what she did to me. That’s what she did for me. Can she help it if she is good at seeing where I am falling short of my own expectations? Or that I choose to use any enlightening look at my shortcomings as an excuse to jab at my sensitive underbelly of aspiring hopes and dreams?

Well there it is. I choose to live consciously. For all to see. And judge. And join.

I don’t know how to end this. Ha. I said that in the beginning.

Following Through

Who knew that meeting with Reina’s friend at an Indian restaurant off the freeway in Fremont, CA could open up Pandora’s, or I should say, my box, Robert Christian’s box. Over saag paneer and samosas I was asked to share my aspirations for the New Year. With naan in hand, lassi in the other, chutney in another, and…oh wait that’s a Hindu god, I just had naan in one hand. Okay, with naan in hand, I begin my spontaneous utterance of my aspirations, which boil down to sharing myself with others more, getting vulnerable and communicating honestly. This is something I’ve feared for decades, and I feel ready to release this fear. One week later, I find myself attempting to follow through with this aspiration and birthed the following (which is a big concept to me – noticing that I’m feeling some fear to be sharing this with you all):

“I am feeling a lot of resistance in this moment. Feel like I don’t want to be doing this. Feel moody like a little 5-year old. Sitting here trying to write about conscious relationships with Reina and feeling the farthest thing from conscious I can be right now.

I’m not feeling met.

I’m not feeling understood. I’m feeling misunderstood.

I have felt like this my whole life, that I can recall anyway. I don’t have a lot of memories about how my life was, but I know I’ve felt this way.

The moody 5 year-old kid is crying, making a lot of noise, doesn’t calm down, can’t talk…in the middle of the street, in the middle of a public place. He won’t listen and doesn’t care about the social ramifications of his outbursts. He’s moody because he’s not feeling loved, heard, or acknowledged…seen…primarily by his parents. His parents don’t see him because they don’t take the time. They’re too busy with their own stuff. They think they get it and they go with what they think instead of tuning into the situation in the moment.

So they pick him up, throw him in his stroller, and yell at him and tell him he’s grounded and that he’s not going to get his supper. They tell him if he behaves like this, he’s not going to get taken out again. The boy feels misunderstood like nobody loves him. He is locked up in his room. He feels isolated.

He wants to run and hide. He doesn’t feel like there’s anybody to call upon.

This is the story of my life…

Or so how I’ve felt…”

This isn’t the most eloquent “blog” if you can even call it that, but it is the most open and honest I have been with others. I invite you to share honestly as well, and let’s walk on this journey together.

Namaste,

[Feeling Raw(bert)] Christian