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Moody Clues…

Well here I am again…sitting on the edge of the blog cliff. Exactly one month since my last post…By the delay in time since the last entry it is obvious I have been stalling…And the longer I stall the more difficult it is to get back into it. But no time like the present to take a deep breath and jump…

It has been raining lately. We REALLY need it. However as much as it is necessary, it puts me in kind of a funk. I am in awe that I am affected by the weather so easily. Affected by many things, This is one aspect of what it means to be moody…allowing external factors to have control over my state of being.

What is really going on here? I believe that changes in the environment: weather, other people’s behavior, traffic…whatever, ultimately just stir up the pot of unintegrated feelings that still reside inside. I realized as I was doing my first session of work with my current “Self-Love coach,” Anat Peri, that moods come from repressed, unexpressed feelings. In my childhood I was very moody. I realize now it is because I had a difficult time expressing my true feelings in my family environment.

There were feelings that a 7-year old needs to express, but doesn’t have the skills to do so; at least in my case. When these feelings aren’t expressed they get bottled up and eventually leak out. This to me is a basic definition of a mood: leaky unintegrated feelings. As I grew older my moods became a passive-aggressive tool. In my family dynamic, the expression of feelings was not promoted. It was more important to keep an air of equilibrium to the environment. But even as a teenager, there was still the feelings inside of an unresolved 7-year old. As those feelings came out in moods, they annoyed my parents. In the childish manner of a 7-year old I used those moods to “get back” at them unwittingly; for not being able to express my feelings and on some level feeling they were at fault for it. It was my attempt to clear the air in the only way I knew…dysfunctionally.

Interestingly, as I grow older (and hopefully a little more mature) I recognize that moods are still there, the unresolved 7-year-old still lives inside, waiting to be validated. I also have come to understand that it is not my parent’s fault; this validation must come from myself. It is so interesting. I am doing 2 programs at the same time and they are both bringing me to the same realizations. First, I am leading a group through The Presence Process, by Michael Brown. This week in that process is the conscious response to internalize, “I am innocent.” The whole chapter is on nurturing the inner child, which represents joy, creativity. The other program is a 100-day formal Self-Love affair. The first session got into my unresolved relationship with my parents as a block to loving myself. The conclusion of both: In many ways I am still 7 years old, and until those 7-year old issues that have never been dealt with are addressed, I will continue to experience that unresolved energy in my life, resulting in moods and a less loving attitude towards myself, and reflecting those attitudes on those around me.

The solution from both programs lies in my hands: I have to nurture that inner child into a new level of safety and expression, and I have to forgive my parents as that 7-year old, so I can relate to them as an adult. Plain and simple…and not easy.  But why not? I am the one who makes it difficult. Well…it’s the 7-year old.  But it is time to treat him like an emotional 7-year-old, pick him up, hold him until his emotions have been fully expressed, then let him go run off to play with a new reset attitude. And so it is…

My Self-Love Affair

Presence Process Report. Today begins week 2 with the conscious response, “I recognize my reflections and projections.” The morning breathing session was almost immediately filled with energy. The kind of energy that I feel when I am really excited about something. I realized that I have put a governor on that energy in a big way, and today I just let it come out. As it came out it also feels like anxiety, which I realize is the face of this energy when I don’t allow it to be expressed or when I judge the expression as not appropriate or for whatever reason hold it back…NO MORE!

Today a begin a love affair with myself. I realize that for far too long I have tried to love everything, even to the point of grasping for people or experiences, while completely neglecting the one that needs my love the most: myself. Sounds so narcissistic, which is probably why I have denied myself for so long; it is too ego-centered to love myself and therefor not appropriate. Now as I declare this love affair with myself, I can’t help but wonder what that looks like? Feeding myself ice cream every night to the point of belly ache. Obviously not, however on a more subtle level it is not so obvious. Giving myself what I want or need is part of it, but the other is really taking care of myself.

As I dwell on recognizing my reflections and projections, I realize that the greatest reflection of all is the totality of the external world being a reflection of my inner world. Anything I see outside of me that is not in harmonious alignment is simply a reflection of something in my inner realm that is not in harmonious alignment. To love myself by loving these discordant parts of me is to bring the world back into balance. I can save the world by saving myself. I can nurture the world by nurturing myself. I can truly give love to the world when I give love to myself.

The Next Step

I don’t know how to begin this.

It has been feeling like it has been too long. since my last post. I am already feeling the resistance and avoidance to put myself out there again. In ANY form, positive, negative, secure, insecure…Already the imagined expectation is taking over…what could top the feeling I wrote about the other day? What COULDN’T top it; it wasn’t very pleasant.

I received so much positive feedback about the last post, it makes no sense that I would feel just as apprehensive about posting another entry into my feelings.  And yet those feelings are there…afraid…of what others will think. Ah, here’s a good one—afraid that my credibility as a healer/coach/counselor will be compromised by the exposure of my vulnerability. Wow, just writing that opened something up inside me. Lets see what posting it will do! Fear again.

Divert it with another train of thought.

I am on my way to San Antonio, Texas via Houston. I will visit my cousin and then co-lead a Transformational Breath seminar. I gave my ticket to the boarding agent before walking down the causeway to enter the plane. He looked at it and said, “Thank you, Robert.” It reminded me of her. How she used to thank by name the service people behind any particular counter or register. I was always impressed by the attention to detail, the humility to give thanks, and the light-bearing effect adding a personal connection added to the interaction.

It is amazing what a breakup will put you though. Even when it is amicable, “conscious,” and mutually agreed-upon. The mind loves to think of the situation as a “problem” and then search for the “cause” of the problem. And it loves to dwell most on the idea that deep down at the bottom of it all, I am the cause of the problem.

“What wasn’t good enough about me? What are you really worth, Robert? What if I was just a little more motivated? What if I was just a little more…? How could I have expressed myself better?”

Then to distract from the pain, it loves to turn to some righteous indignation in order to put some “justified distance” between her and me.

“She didn’t meet your true needs, Robert (you know, all those she was supposed to intuitively KNOW because you didn’t tell her!). She wasn’t attentive enough to what you really wanted. She tried to change you. She couldn’t be happy with who I really am.”

…and the truth lies somewhere in between. I would say that choosing to conduct myself consciously, and using that as the guide of my actions would reveal the truth.

Wow, massive apprehensive warning signals going off inside me after writing that. I just made a declaration. I am stating publicly that I am choosing to conduct myself consciously. Now I have a responsibility to my word. Now I have set a standard that I have to live by. A standard that others can call me out on when they see me shrinking from my intentional volition. That’s what she did to me. That’s what she did for me. Can she help it if she is good at seeing where I am falling short of my own expectations? Or that I choose to use any enlightening look at my shortcomings as an excuse to jab at my sensitive underbelly of aspiring hopes and dreams?

Well there it is. I choose to live consciously. For all to see. And judge. And join.

I don’t know how to end this. Ha. I said that in the beginning.