All around the globe (meaning my sphere of interactions), I have been getting the signals, hints and direct advice: express yourself more!
I KNOW already. And yet there is a part of me that just wants to be invisible. I can be very happy keeping to myself. Afterall, we trained to be “non-entities” in my monastic training. Or can I be happy? Too much isolation starts to make a person funny in the head. Or enlightened. Or both. I am recognizing more and more my need for authentic connection with others. Connection that requires…sharing myself.
I recognize that I felt there was a value to my NOT sharing myself in the past. I remained enigmatic, a mystery. This mystery gave me an advantage…it could throw the other person off balance. But now I realize what it really did was give me a handicap…after a while the other person would get frustrated, bored, or just not have enough information to care…and so they would stop caring. Sharing = Caring. I just came up with that. I am proud of myself.
I have already made a commitment to sharing myself more, and the first understanding that comes from this is just how much resistance I have. Ha. I just caught that same thought from my last post, so I guess it’s not NEW news, just depressing news.
So now, what if I allow myself the space for being depressed about this? To be depressed about the quantity of my resistance to change (for the better, I might add!). What message does this feeling have for me?
It creates enough discomfort that I finally have to move because I can’t take it anymore. In the monastic ashram we would muse “pain is the prod to remembrance (of God)” which is just the “spiritual” way to say “when your ass has been kicked hard enough and long enough, you basically have no other choice but to surrender to your Source.”
The “rub” is that it is all self-created. The depressed-ness that I feel is my self-chosen response to my self-chosen resistance, creating the pain prod me to make me finally break through the resistance to attain my self-chosen desire to express myself more.
Now I am getting heady. But it takes me out of my painful feelings. Escape or Remedy?
I finally realize there is a good “reason” to have stuffed my feelings all these years…because they are painful and unwieldy when they are let loose!
I had my Human Design reading done. It revealed that I am a being that operates from his emotions primarily. That was a real surprise to me, actually. So what does it look like when a person operates from their emotions, but gets no real training in recognizing or beneficially expressing them? When one tries to substitute his brain for his heart with a big override switch, and THINKS that this is his primary mode of expression?
It looks like moodiness; all sorts of incongruent emotions coming out at times that do not match the feelings. For myself as the experiencer, it felt confusing and depressing primarily and those moods would come out when emotion naturally wanted to express, but did not have the recognition from me as the expresser.
Moodiness leads to people requesting to you not to express yourself so much (read: stop bing so moody, you are brining us all down!) which then creates more suppression…that creates more moods….
Which leads me back to the subject of expressing myself more. What I define as learning to get out of my moodiness is the process of learning how to identify and express all the suppressed feeling inside me. This expression is not always pretty and that makes me self-conscious…The mind telling me that my feelings are not valid enough to have their expression. And that manifests in many ways: procrastination, avoiding forums where expression is expected, criticizing others who express themselves “too much,” …
It is amazing how difficult it is to try to post this…So many rationalizations for it to NOT go public: not interesting enough, too revealing, not revealing enough, (ha! Conflicting rationales), not organized enough, too much rambling, needs to be edited or looked at before it goes live…
However, this is my “making good” on the commitment to the desire to express myself more. So I have created no other choice for myself but to share…