I don’t know how to begin this.
It has been feeling like it has been too long. since my last post. I am already feeling the resistance and avoidance to put myself out there again. In ANY form, positive, negative, secure, insecure…Already the imagined expectation is taking over…what could top the feeling I wrote about the other day? What COULDN’T top it; it wasn’t very pleasant.
I received so much positive feedback about the last post, it makes no sense that I would feel just as apprehensive about posting another entry into my feelings. And yet those feelings are there…afraid…of what others will think. Ah, here’s a good one—afraid that my credibility as a healer/coach/counselor will be compromised by the exposure of my vulnerability. Wow, just writing that opened something up inside me. Lets see what posting it will do! Fear again.
Divert it with another train of thought.
I am on my way to San Antonio, Texas via Houston. I will visit my cousin and then co-lead a Transformational Breath seminar. I gave my ticket to the boarding agent before walking down the causeway to enter the plane. He looked at it and said, “Thank you, Robert.” It reminded me of her. How she used to thank by name the service people behind any particular counter or register. I was always impressed by the attention to detail, the humility to give thanks, and the light-bearing effect adding a personal connection added to the interaction.
It is amazing what a breakup will put you though. Even when it is amicable, “conscious,” and mutually agreed-upon. The mind loves to think of the situation as a “problem” and then search for the “cause” of the problem. And it loves to dwell most on the idea that deep down at the bottom of it all, I am the cause of the problem.
“What wasn’t good enough about me? What are you really worth, Robert? What if I was just a little more motivated? What if I was just a little more…? How could I have expressed myself better?”
Then to distract from the pain, it loves to turn to some righteous indignation in order to put some “justified distance” between her and me.
“She didn’t meet your true needs, Robert (you know, all those she was supposed to intuitively KNOW because you didn’t tell her!). She wasn’t attentive enough to what you really wanted. She tried to change you. She couldn’t be happy with who I really am.”
…and the truth lies somewhere in between. I would say that choosing to conduct myself consciously, and using that as the guide of my actions would reveal the truth.
Wow, massive apprehensive warning signals going off inside me after writing that. I just made a declaration. I am stating publicly that I am choosing to conduct myself consciously. Now I have a responsibility to my word. Now I have set a standard that I have to live by. A standard that others can call me out on when they see me shrinking from my intentional volition. That’s what she did to me. That’s what she did for me. Can she help it if she is good at seeing where I am falling short of my own expectations? Or that I choose to use any enlightening look at my shortcomings as an excuse to jab at my sensitive underbelly of aspiring hopes and dreams?
Well there it is. I choose to live consciously. For all to see. And judge. And join.
I don’t know how to end this. Ha. I said that in the beginning.