Musings on all things inspiring

Archive for January, 2014

The Power of The Presence Process

Week 1, Day1 of The Presence Process, “This Moment Matters”…

And indeed it does! This is a powerful process, but I did not expect it would kick in from the very start! What I have to say I realize just from keeping that Conscious Response at the forefront of my consciousness (This Moment Matters), it actually helps make the moment matter more!

How does it do that? For me, it seems to draw my attention to the practice of looking for what matters in the moment. I realize that I have allowed myself to often be the victim of my own passion-less consciousness, where I “know” everything matters, so in this “knowledge” ultimately nothing matters; at least that is how I end up expressing it.

I noticed myself looking at my situations today from a positive lens, rather than a pessimistic one. Same story—glass is filled the same, but is it half empty or half full? This moment matters makes it appear half full, and I don’t even dwell on the half…it is just full!

My journal report after my first breath session was pretty basic. A little light-headed, tingly, restless especially in the right foot. No real sense of emotions expect that I felt a sense of like I was in the beginning stages of working up to crying…but no definitive emotional expression.

What is The Presence Process?

For those of you who may not yet be aware of The Presence Process (TPP), it is a phenomenal approach to integrating your being on all levels…physical, emotional, mental…even spiritual. The “goal” if there is one is Present Moment Awareness. Which ultimately is where the magic of life happens, we just happen to be projected into the future or the past most of the time while it is happening so we miss it. TPP brings awareness of the energies that have been keeping us out of the Present Moment, and goes even further in that it offers a way to integrate those energies.

TPP is disseminated in a book of the same name, authored by Michael Brown. In addition to embarking on this journey myself for the 5th time, I am leading a 12-week tele-series conducting a group of journeyers through TPP for the 2nd time. Yesterday was the 2nd call, and today is the first official day on the journey. We just got started, so if you are at all interested in joining the fun and transformation, communicate with me ASAP at and I will give you details on how you can register. And remember, this moment matters!


Personal Empowerment

Nothing like taking the initiative to delete the game app “Candy Crush” off my smart phone. A definite feeling of empowerment as I hit the uninstall button and watched the powerful time-suck evaporate from my life!

Express Yo’ Self!

All around the globe (meaning my sphere of interactions), I have been getting the signals, hints and direct advice: express yourself more! 

I KNOW already. And yet there is a part of me that just wants to be invisible. I can be very happy keeping to myself. Afterall, we trained to be “non-entities” in my monastic training. Or can I be happy? Too much isolation starts to make a person funny in the head. Or enlightened. Or both. I am recognizing more and more my need for authentic connection with others. Connection that requires…sharing myself.

I recognize that I felt there was a value to my NOT sharing myself in the past. I remained enigmatic, a mystery. This mystery gave me an advantage…it could throw the other person off balance. But now I realize what it really did was give me a handicap…after a while the other person would get frustrated, bored, or just not have enough information to care…and so they would stop caring. Sharing = Caring. I just came up with that. I am proud of myself.

I have already made a commitment to sharing myself more, and the first understanding that comes from this is just how much resistance I have. Ha. I just caught that same thought from my last post, so I guess it’s not NEW news, just depressing news.

So now, what if I allow myself the space for being depressed about this? To be depressed about the quantity of my resistance to change (for the better, I might add!). What message does this feeling have for me?

It creates enough discomfort that I finally have to move because I can’t take it anymore. In the monastic ashram we would muse “pain is the prod to remembrance (of God)” which is just the “spiritual” way to say “when your ass has been kicked hard enough and long enough, you basically have no other choice but to surrender to your Source.”

The “rub” is that it is all self-created. The depressed-ness that I feel is my self-chosen response to my self-chosen resistance, creating the pain prod me to make me finally break through the resistance to attain my self-chosen desire to express myself more.

Now I am getting heady. But it takes me out of my painful feelings. Escape or Remedy?

I finally realize there is a good “reason” to have stuffed my feelings all these years…because they are painful and unwieldy when they are let loose!

I had my Human Design reading done. It revealed that I am a being that operates from his emotions primarily. That was a real surprise to me, actually. So what does it look like when a person operates from their emotions, but gets no real training in recognizing or beneficially expressing them? When one tries to substitute his brain for his heart with a big override switch, and THINKS that this is his primary mode of expression?

It looks like moodiness; all sorts of incongruent emotions coming out at times that do not match the feelings. For myself as the experiencer, it felt confusing and depressing primarily and those moods would come out when emotion naturally wanted to express, but did not have the recognition from me as the expresser.

Moodiness leads to people requesting to you not to express yourself so much (read: stop bing so moody, you are brining us all down!) which then creates more suppression…that creates more moods….

Which leads me back to the subject of expressing myself more. What I define as learning to get out of my moodiness is the process of learning how to identify and express all the suppressed feeling inside me. This expression is not always pretty and that makes me self-conscious…The mind telling me that my feelings are not valid enough to have their expression.  And that manifests in many ways: procrastination, avoiding forums where expression is expected, criticizing others who express themselves “too much,” …

It is amazing how difficult it is to try to post this…So many rationalizations for it to NOT go public: not interesting enough, too revealing, not revealing enough, (ha! Conflicting rationales), not organized enough, too much rambling, needs to be edited or looked at before it goes live…

However, this is my “making good” on the commitment to the desire to express myself more. So I have created no other choice for myself but to share…

The Next Step

I don’t know how to begin this.

It has been feeling like it has been too long. since my last post. I am already feeling the resistance and avoidance to put myself out there again. In ANY form, positive, negative, secure, insecure…Already the imagined expectation is taking over…what could top the feeling I wrote about the other day? What COULDN’T top it; it wasn’t very pleasant.

I received so much positive feedback about the last post, it makes no sense that I would feel just as apprehensive about posting another entry into my feelings.  And yet those feelings are there…afraid…of what others will think. Ah, here’s a good one—afraid that my credibility as a healer/coach/counselor will be compromised by the exposure of my vulnerability. Wow, just writing that opened something up inside me. Lets see what posting it will do! Fear again.

Divert it with another train of thought.

I am on my way to San Antonio, Texas via Houston. I will visit my cousin and then co-lead a Transformational Breath seminar. I gave my ticket to the boarding agent before walking down the causeway to enter the plane. He looked at it and said, “Thank you, Robert.” It reminded me of her. How she used to thank by name the service people behind any particular counter or register. I was always impressed by the attention to detail, the humility to give thanks, and the light-bearing effect adding a personal connection added to the interaction.

It is amazing what a breakup will put you though. Even when it is amicable, “conscious,” and mutually agreed-upon. The mind loves to think of the situation as a “problem” and then search for the “cause” of the problem. And it loves to dwell most on the idea that deep down at the bottom of it all, I am the cause of the problem.

“What wasn’t good enough about me? What are you really worth, Robert? What if I was just a little more motivated? What if I was just a little more…? How could I have expressed myself better?”

Then to distract from the pain, it loves to turn to some righteous indignation in order to put some “justified distance” between her and me.

“She didn’t meet your true needs, Robert (you know, all those she was supposed to intuitively KNOW because you didn’t tell her!). She wasn’t attentive enough to what you really wanted. She tried to change you. She couldn’t be happy with who I really am.”

…and the truth lies somewhere in between. I would say that choosing to conduct myself consciously, and using that as the guide of my actions would reveal the truth.

Wow, massive apprehensive warning signals going off inside me after writing that. I just made a declaration. I am stating publicly that I am choosing to conduct myself consciously. Now I have a responsibility to my word. Now I have set a standard that I have to live by. A standard that others can call me out on when they see me shrinking from my intentional volition. That’s what she did to me. That’s what she did for me. Can she help it if she is good at seeing where I am falling short of my own expectations? Or that I choose to use any enlightening look at my shortcomings as an excuse to jab at my sensitive underbelly of aspiring hopes and dreams?

Well there it is. I choose to live consciously. For all to see. And judge. And join.

I don’t know how to end this. Ha. I said that in the beginning.

Following Through

Who knew that meeting with Reina’s friend at an Indian restaurant off the freeway in Fremont, CA could open up Pandora’s, or I should say, my box, Robert Christian’s box. Over saag paneer and samosas I was asked to share my aspirations for the New Year. With naan in hand, lassi in the other, chutney in another, and…oh wait that’s a Hindu god, I just had naan in one hand. Okay, with naan in hand, I begin my spontaneous utterance of my aspirations, which boil down to sharing myself with others more, getting vulnerable and communicating honestly. This is something I’ve feared for decades, and I feel ready to release this fear. One week later, I find myself attempting to follow through with this aspiration and birthed the following (which is a big concept to me – noticing that I’m feeling some fear to be sharing this with you all):

“I am feeling a lot of resistance in this moment. Feel like I don’t want to be doing this. Feel moody like a little 5-year old. Sitting here trying to write about conscious relationships with Reina and feeling the farthest thing from conscious I can be right now.

I’m not feeling met.

I’m not feeling understood. I’m feeling misunderstood.

I have felt like this my whole life, that I can recall anyway. I don’t have a lot of memories about how my life was, but I know I’ve felt this way.

The moody 5 year-old kid is crying, making a lot of noise, doesn’t calm down, can’t talk…in the middle of the street, in the middle of a public place. He won’t listen and doesn’t care about the social ramifications of his outbursts. He’s moody because he’s not feeling loved, heard, or acknowledged…seen…primarily by his parents. His parents don’t see him because they don’t take the time. They’re too busy with their own stuff. They think they get it and they go with what they think instead of tuning into the situation in the moment.

So they pick him up, throw him in his stroller, and yell at him and tell him he’s grounded and that he’s not going to get his supper. They tell him if he behaves like this, he’s not going to get taken out again. The boy feels misunderstood like nobody loves him. He is locked up in his room. He feels isolated.

He wants to run and hide. He doesn’t feel like there’s anybody to call upon.

This is the story of my life…

Or so how I’ve felt…”

This isn’t the most eloquent “blog” if you can even call it that, but it is the most open and honest I have been with others. I invite you to share honestly as well, and let’s walk on this journey together.


[Feeling Raw(bert)] Christian